One time in college a girl very directly and accusingly asked me when I was ever going to stick to something and see it though. This comment has haunted me over the years. In essence, she was calling me unreliable and irresponsible. Maybe I was. Then again, maybe I was figuring out my own sense of rhythm. Life is full of stops and starts and do-overs. This has to be OK to some extent because it is unavoidable. Perfect constancy belongs only to God.
So maybe I was in the process of learning what was an appropriate beginning or ending. Perhaps I was trying to do things I was didn’t actually enjoy doing, or have the skill set for. It is difficult to differentiate between quitting and sensing it is time to move on. Knowing when to come and when to leave might be the beginning of wisdom.
I think there is lot of comfort in these sacred rhythms: The four seasons. Life and death. Even
youth, middle age, and great age each have their unique gifts. Our modern culture
(of which I am a fan in many respects) fights these rhythms with electricity,
needles, face creams and health food fads. I am not really against any of these
things. But I am learning that there needs to be some measure of acceptance to
sacred rhythms in order to have peace. To surrender to what we cannot control
and to change. If we pay attention we might even enjoy what comes with each
turn and twist God or life or the universe offers us.When nursing a babe for two years does its damage and crow’s feet
appear, when I quit a job to start a new one, begin a creative venture or end
it-maybe there is a purpose. To
sleep then wake, to live then die, to be cold then hot, anxious then at peace- I
think it may all have meaning and there is nothing wrong with living in the
moment and not seeking to change what “is”. If we can see the big picture, it
may be that we are exactly where we are supposed to be.
As a mom I am always looking ahead. I also am a little manic
about creating constancy in my children’s lives. I want them to be responsible
and reliable. It is good to be resourceful and raise well adjusted kids. But maybe there is a point where planning is just
anxiety and training to my children to be pleasing to society is a projection
of my own insecurity. How lucky are people who know exactly who they are and what
they are supposed to be doing. Is there anyone out there who does? Other than
Oprah, I mean. My kids will have their paths as I have mine.
I have been reading Buddhist authors and poets lately. I am
a Christian but cannot help being deeply moved by Buddhists’ connection to nature and their own sense of personal rhythm. I find a sense of this also in the church
calendar. I don’t live in a place where ending something is respected but Jesus
knew when to preach and when to rest. When to heal or when sickness was
part of a person’s path. He knew the scope of humanity’s suffering but could
still sleep. I don’t think His peace came from disconnection or apathy. Any man
who can get so pissed off at merchants in the temple or sweat blood when stressed is
probably pretty engaged. I think his lack of anxiety came from his deep connection
to God and knowing His place in the grand scheme of things. It’s kind of a
paradox, but I am starting to believe that when you know yourself and your
purpose it is a lot easier to role with life and mark time by its milestones. Change
isn’t so scary so it is easier to be at peace.
As a mom who loves her family and tries to serve Jesus
by changing diapers, sleep deprivation and not being a bitch to my husband when
he doesn’t pick up his towels in the bathroom, it might behoove me to think
beyond weaning and potty training. Those things are really important and part
of my sacred rhythms. But they are temporary. This life's rhythms are melodies that need
some percussion. I would like my base line to be God. At the moment, they are
more likely the fall’s new TV schedule, but I am working on it.
