Dear Teen-aged Girls:
I am going to sound like your mother, and no one is more appalled by this than me. I hate being the grown-up. Here I go... Your jean shorts that are cut like bikini bottoms- the ones that show how your nether- regions move when you walk- they make you look slutty. I am just telling you because I think you should know. Maybe no one told you. They are not flattering. Daisy Dukes don't actually look good in real life. And even if they did, even if you actually look like Daisy Duke in Daisy Dukes, some mystery is good. For real. Your nether- regions are none of my business, and I am tired of seeing them at the mall and in parks and in Walgreens. Save some stuff for intimate moments, and leave the rest of us in blessed ignorance about your bodies. Maybe I sound stuffy. Maybe I am old. Then again, maybe no one is teaching you how to be a lady. So I am taking it upon myself. Put some clothes on, please.
