So it seems God is never done unraveling. Which is exasperating. Think about how easy it is to get things messed up in knots. I tried crocheting once. Totally stressful. Not peaceful at all. I could never get my yarn to be where I wanted it to be. Most of my necklaces are unusable because I need to sit down and make a project of untangling them.
Unraveling knots is a complete pain. It’s tedious, eye straining and frustrating. Sometimes its just not worth the effort.
Having and caring for children reveals things about oneself that are unfathomable before they come into the world. I am not talking about mere selfishness. Yes, of course one realizes that one is selfish after having kids. Clearly having little people depend on you for every basic need will reveal impatience and self-absorption. I am talking about deep deep deep characteristics that are knotted and complicated and when loosed feel akin to an earthquake. And stupid. Yes! Stupid. I want to just wave it all away as thirty-something middle- class angst but I consider myself a spiritual(ish) person and my spirituality keeps hitting this stupid wall of stupid knots. So I have to at least validate them by calling them real.
For example. I have always thought myself as a laid-back person; accommodating and easy to please. Ha! It turns out that actually I have control issues bordering on neurotic. Before I had kids I could indulge myself in them to a degree that resembled religious rituals. Personal hygiene, food, legal substances, and relationships all had rules and regulations. If I did not obey these rules self-flagellation would begin. Shame would colour my days until I made things right.
I know! Sounds OCD. I honestly just thought that it was how life is lived. But here's the thing. I love my children more than myself. So I don't have time for these rituals. I don't have the brain space or the energy to invest in them anymore. But I don't know how to live without them either. It’s scary to live without them because they are my source of worth and accomplishment. I don't know how to organize my day without all these rules and regulations that only include me, not the two little people waiting for their breakfast and their hair to be brushed.
So I have this vacuum now. In the place of these rituals I have a sense of chaos and need. I can't think straight. I am insecure & unregulated. Like I am perpetually in a high school cafeteria searching for a place to sit. And I am naked. It is particularly obvious to me that I am not adjusting well after I spend time with a group of women friends. It used to be a necessity for me to play a particular role with people. My image and appearance and persona were practiced and intentional. What's funny is that three years ago I would have insisted that I was completely authentic and unguarded. Without the carefully cultivated image I feel spastic and eccentric.
How do I reorganize and redefine thirty-six years of structure? I don't want my babes dealing with my neurosis. That would be sad.
So I can only assume that this unraveling is God's work. I think I must see it as a blessing. If He can show me a healthier way of living and being there will be less of a risk that my babes will inherit my dysfunctional legacies- directly or indirectly.
I have a feeling life will be lighter and clearer if I am open to this untangling. Maybe I will feel less anxiety. Maybe I will sleep better. Watch less TV. Have deeper faith. Care more about others than how I am perceived. There's every reason to hope.
"...Divorce me, untie, or break that knot again,
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me." -John Donne
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